Its a dramatic understatement to say I have regrets.
The burning didnt start immediately.
In fact, for some odd reason it didnt creep up until an hour later.
Credit:Alison Miksch
And when it did, it came with a vengeance.
Like poison ivy, capsaicin travels wherever you take it.
If you touch your eyes, get ready to cry.
If you go to the restroom, wellget ready to holler.
Thoughts and prayers, my friend.
Frantic for relief, I ran to my friend Google to help.
I found this to be extremely untrue.
Later and further googling revealed that soap and water helps more if you wash your hands immediately.
I grabbed a can of first-aid burn spray and thought, why not?
I sprayed my hands first, then closed my eyes and turned the can on my face.
Despite actively macing myself, I noticed only a brief respite from the conflagration.
By this point, I was in quite a state.
Blinking through tears, I keep reading for a nugget of hope.
The next magic cure was milk.
Apparently, a protein (casein) in milk, combined with fat, would do the trick.
And then I saw it…hiding in the back of the fridge was my only hope.
The relief was immediate and blissful.
I could almost hear the hiss of steam as it flowed over my pepper-penetrated paws, smothering the flames.
If you think my buttermilk bath stopped with my hands, you are mistaken.
I straight up poured buttermilk into my hands and then splashed it onto my face.
I kept my eyes closed, but I did my best to rub it in to relieve the burn.
And miracle of miracles, it worked.
Of all the things I tried to soothe my burning skin, buttermilk was the best.
Buttermilk, youre my hero.
But next time, you better believe Im wearing gloves.
